March started off both good and bad. Bad because I was going through one of my depressive episodes. I once again felt like a dumb stupid loser who should be put down because I still can't find a second job and I don't go to college anymore. But it was good too because I saw my childhood best friend at the mall for the first time in eight years.

We caught up a bit and a couple days later I went to her house so she could do my nails. I got my fingernails painted in this light orange translucent polish with tons of gold glitter and my toenails in this burgundy color. She said I was her first client to get their fingernails and toenails painted in different colors. We chatted, she didn't know what music to play for me when I said I liked old music so she just put a random Beatles playlist. I don't like the Beatles if I'm being honest but I couldn't decide what to ask her to play instead so I didn't say anything. I also showed her how to install ublock origin.

After that day it was back to depression station for the next couple of days, but the week after that things started looking up. I went to the city again to buy some fabric to make a new pair of pants. The woman at the fabric store who cut my fabric said I looked like her brother and that comment kind of made my day. It's fun when people tell me I remind them of someone else. I made brownies the day after that and they were super good, I used a new recipe and it's working extremely well. Now, this is not my monthly new recipe because I've made brownies before, even if my method has changed, but they were so good they deserve a blog shoutout.

I also picked up a new sketchpad and I really hope to get back into drawing again. I hit a massive burnout point at the end of 2022 that I haven't been able to crawl back from. I hope things change now. I also got back in touch with an old online friend of mine, we kinda drifted off as we grew up and I stopped using instagram, but I figured it would be nice to check up on her. She said she was happy to hear from me, and I'm also happy I reached out again. I guess 2024 is the year of revisiting...

Also thank you guys for 100 followers! It's so cool to see people checking out my site! Also, thanks for all the guestbook messages. I read them all, even if I don't reply to some of them. Sometimes I don't know what to say. But I still appreciate them all.

On the 16th I went to do some grocery shopping and on the bus ride back home I saw a girl my age with a Metallica shirt sitting behind me and, because this situation is something I regularly daydreamt about at age 14, I spent the entire trip hyping myself up to talk to her. I wanted to say "I like your shirt" but it would've been weird because the logo was visible but the rest of the design was being covered by her Slipknot backpack. So I would've been complimenting her shirt when I couldn't even see 80% of it. I'm sure this sounds insane to anyone who knows how to interact with people, but I don't.

(Also is the world ever going to stop reminding me of Metallica now? Like it's been four entries already where they have come up. Like, I consider myself a fan of their music, and their history fascinates me, but they're not my favorite band. I don't think they crack my top 10. But y'know, a song by them just randomly played on the TV in December and now they're everywhere I look. I've explained this before I don't need to repeat myself.)

Anyway! Eventually I said "what the hell", because my stop was coming up in like five minutes and she could've gotten off at any moment so I had to act fast and I awkwardly shuffled around to face her and told her I liked her shirt. I'm very soft spoken and it was loud on the bus so I had to repeat myself a bunch of times but we did eventually strike up a conversation about Metallica and Megadeth. Then I realized we both got off the bus at the same stop, so we chatted for a little bit after getting off the bus and said goodbye... And then we both started walking in the same direction LOL.

It turns out she lives one street away from me!!!! So we kept talking, because the walk from the bus stop to our houses is about 10 minutes. We talked about bands and I introduced her to Faith No More. Well, I only told her about them, idk if she checked them out afterwards. We kept talking about music and stuff, we talked a little bit more about Metallica vs. Megadeth, and eventually the conversation shifted into being about cats. Which is great because I love cats. We exchanged numbers and we've been texting regularly ever since!!

I just love finding people who listen to the music I like! Even if it's only one half of what I listen to. Where I live at least it's way easier to find people my age who are into rock and metal than it is to find people my age who are into new wave, I guess because bands like Metallica and Megadeth are more mainstream (and therefore have a bigger international audience) than say, Wall Of Voodoo and They Might Be Giants.

I'm also just like, pathetically lonely in real life, y'know? My brain is going to light up a whole lot whenever I can strike a conversation with anyone about things I like, even if it's not my *favorite* thing to like. I'm glad she seems to find me nice enough to text me daily.

I also finally registered to vote. For the record I do not live in the US. I know they have an election this year too but no that's not why I registered to vote obviously lol. But anyway I did that, it was easier than I thought it would be. Except for the fact that the first day I tried to go there, the power went out in the morning at my house and it made me angry so I didn't want to get up. And then the day after, I went to the place I was supposed to go to and then the power went out THERE. But third time was the charm. So I was waiting in line for SIX HOURS because they only had ONE COMPUTER despite there's being two separate lines. I honestly think this was done on purpose so young people feel discouraged from voting. But what do I know. Whatever I registered to vote!

On the 24th my online buddies and I watched some wrestling together and it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUN! Many memorable quotes definitely sprung up from our watch party. And on the 29th my family and I were going to travel to another city for easter break but my uncle's car broke down and didn't get fixed in time so we had to postpone, so I guess I'll talk about it on the April entry.

I spent the last day of the month doing something I do a lot these days, watching music videos on the TV with my mom. She shows me some of her favorites and I show her some of mine. We had a lot of interesting conversations and I got to show her some of the weirder music videos that I really like. It was fun like always. Mom and I have this game where I will show her a band I like and she will immediately scan for the member she thinks is most attractive, and if she finds all of them ugly, I win. It's really funny.

Alright! That's basically all the interesting stuff that happened this month. So now for my usual blog topics: new music and new recipes. I didn't listen to anything in particular this month! Just my normal playlists. I know, wow, I'm finally free from the hyperfixation. But according to my stats on my various music playing apps, mostly TMBG, Sparks, Extreme and Parliament. I also started listening to Fanny, a band from the 70s. They're good!

I also listened to some Shakira because she released her new album. I mean, it wasn't all that good aside from a couple tracks, it's just that it reminded me of her old stuff that was actually good. I grew up on Shakira basically. Her last consistently good album was Oral Fixation and anything after usually has like, one or two good songs and that's it. Also if you only listen to her English songs you're doing it wrong. All of her Spanish songs are better than the English ones. Ok that's all for music.

And this month's new recipe was... Butter chicken! It was soooooooooo good! Mom and I will definitely be making it again!!!! (⁠~⁠‾⁠▿⁠‾⁠)⁠~ I also made chickpea stew, which I'm not really counting as a new recipe because my mom makes it all the time, but I prepared it all by myself for the first time a couple days ago and it was super good! Ok that's everything for the month! I haven't gotten a second job yet, I'm still saving up cash, etc etc. This month was overall pretty damn awesome if I do say so myself even if it started weird.

I feel like I'm failing as an artist, as a queer person, as someone with anarchist views, as just a college-aged young adult in general because I am really boring and dumb. I can't read anymore because I can't focus on words, I can't do audiobooks because my mind immediately filters non-conversational talking as background noise, and my vocabulary is probably like third grade level because I don't read.

I know it literally has nothing to do with who I am as a person, and if I went outside and told some random person about my favorite artists they wouldn't recognize most of them but I feel like I'm failing at being queer because my music taste is moderately successful 80s rock and new wave instead of underground modern experimental noise music, like the queer friends I had in college liked to listen to, and unlike them I don't make important art with a message because I literally have nothing to say. My mind is completely blank 90% of the time.

I forget everything all the time. I forgot I had water boiling on the stove before writing this, I never have any energy, I never think of anything. I care a lot about many things but it never seems to manifest in any way. I think forgetting I had water boiling and the prospect of wasting cooking gas was the catalyst for me writing this, because it made me feel really dumb and stupid, I don't do anything meaningful, I only play The Sims and cook and draw characters standing in a solid colored background.

It's weird, isn't it? Because the people I knew in high school thought I was a total weirdo with eclectic interests but I literally am not? I'm such a normal, boring person in the grand scheme of things. And I'm TRYING to convince myself that it's ok to be a boring stupid person and that I'm NOT the most boring stupid person on Earth, I'm not the most boring stupid person I personally know even, and even if I was, who cares? I'm not a bad person and I do what I can and I try to be kind to people around me and do good in the world. But I still feel in my head that I'm like, the worst? Because I'm just some guy. I don't like it I wish I could stop thinking like this because I feel like it's gonna hurt other people more than me, because what if someone who is just like me reads this and feels horrible or like I hate them? Just makes me feel worse, but I wanted to let this out somewhere. I think I just need to find a way to reboot my brain.

Happy leap day!!!!!!!!! Yippee!

Alright, February was very strange. I had gotten paid early on the last week of January, so that made me run out of money very early on in February because my job pays me biweekly. As a result of that I spent the first two weeks of the month mostly at home, going on my walks but less frequently. (I can't commit to anything. Sigh.) Aside from the walks, I only went outside when I had to deliver the cake slices my mom started selling. She doesn't like going out much, and I like going out and running errands a lot, so we make a good team. The weather has been great, cloudy but not rainy with the occassional sunbeam.

I spent the first half of the month listening to Soundgarden, Mother Love Bone (One of rock history's greatest "what if they had survived :(" I love their music sososo much....) and Bam Bam (If you like punk and grunge, please listen to Bam Bam! They were kinda pioneers of the style and have been largely forgotten by history! They deserve more recognition). I also listened to a couple new (to me) things, I binge watched Todd In The Shadows' Trainwreckords series on YouTube so I listened to some of the albums he covers to hear for myself. Mostly the rock albums. I listened to Summer In Paradise by The Beach Boys, Turn It Upside Down by the Spin Doctors, Generation Swine by Mötley Crüe and Van Halen III by, well, I don't have to say it do I. All of them were definitely bad in some way but none of them were the worst thing ever. I actually liked at least one song on each album (yes even the Beach Boys one).

Pearl Jam also dropped a new single on the 13th, and it was mostly fine, but I didn't like the way the drums sounded. It totally took me out of it. Why do all drums on modern rock songs sound so lame now? They sound so... I don't really have the proper words for it, I suck at describing things. They sound... Ugh I don't know! I can't put my finger on it! It's like there's air in between each drum hit. Especially on the snares. They are loud but they aren't punchy enough for me. I think it's more of a production/mixing thing than an actual drum sound thing. Matt Cameron is a good drummer and I like him I just hate how modern music sounds. But aside from that, the guitar was great and Eddie Vedder's voice still sounds good even if I couldn't comprehend a word he was saying. But that's classic Eddie. It did sound quite good but I guess it didn't really do much for me.

I'm sorry, I'm probably a fake Pearl Jam fan, I only really love Ten and haven't really heard any full albums after Vitalogy because from the few post-Vitalogy songs I've heard I feel like they became generic rock. Like the Foo Fighters. A lot of people say Pearl Jam really found its footing *after* Vitalogy, so I guess I just don't get it. I guess I love Pearl Jam as people more than as musicians, but I truly do love Ten with all my heart, and I love their MTV interviews and the stuff they got up to in the 90s. They still seem like pretty cool people and they do what makes them happy so I don't hate their new stuff. It just doesn't move me the same way.

But there's just also something about the way modern music sounds that I can't put my finger on that makes me not like it as much. Like, regardless of genre. And it's nothing about the artists themselves, I think it's just that audio quality is too crisp now. I like my music crunchy, damn it!

I also watched Some Kind Of Monster, the infamous Metallica documentary. That shit was so fucking funny bro. I remember seeing someone on Tumblr years ago who said this documentary was like Keeping Up With The Kardashians but for metalheads. And I totally understand why now. I'm impressed they were able to bounce back from that. I honestly kind of respect that they released that documentary at all because if I was Lars I would not want that footage of me acting like a spoiled diva out in the open to tarnish my already horrible reputation. LMAO. But honestly I don't think it made them look as bad as I thought it would. Maybe because I'm familiar with their history. Whatever man I still like Metallica. It honestly didn't change my perception of them at all, again probably because I already knew they're the spoiled divas of metal. I'm not really a metalhead honestly. I like some early 90s alternative metal and a couple 80s thrash bands. I guess I'm one of the normies who only likes accesible weenie metal or whatever. But I also guess nobody cares and I can listen to whatever I want.

HE FUCKING LEFT THE BAND!!! he fucking left the band which part of that is- helloooo?? yknowwhatimean- HE FUCKING LEFT THE BAND! i mean- period 💅 exclamation point ‼️ HEAGHHHH? which part of that is forgotten i- i just- which part of that- got left out of the equation‽ when the fuck did we turn into the bad guys???? i don't understand that part 😧 he fucking left the fucking band!!! jesus christ

One day, don't remember which day anymore, I sat down with my mom and shared my 90s rock opinions with her. I spent about 10 hours in total doing that, holy shit. And music aside, I again didn't do anything for those first two weeks, and I would usually be in either a really good or really bad mood, no in between. But that was that.

I think that's probably the end of me revisiting my old band hyperfixations, I think I've successfully incorporated 13 year old me's favorite bands back into my music rotation and I can move on to new things again.

I didn't do anything for Valentine's Day except bombard my online friends with silly love images and messages.

My boss straight up forgot to pay on my payday and we pretty much ran out of food so we went to the mall to get a six dollar pizza with some money we had. I got paid the day after and that gave me the excuse to go out shopping for fabric and meat while my mom went shopping for the rest of the groceries. I also went to the mall the day after to buy a cute pair of sunglasses, a new casserole dish and some earrings from the bargain bin.

Aside from that, well the rest of the month wasn't eventful either. We didn't travel but we did try a new recipe! We made beef bourguignon on the very last day of the month, AKA today. It was ridiculously good and I will probably try to make more recipes with wine in the future. My first time cooking with alcohol, isn't that fun? Lol. It was so so so so fucking good. I am eating the leftovers as I'm publishing this.

Overall, February was worse than January just for how boring it was. And no, I still haven't picked up a single damn book. Sigh.

Hey everyone... I've decided I will type up at least one blog entry at the end of each month to recap how I've been doing. And since we're on the last day of January, I'll start with this one.

Well, this month I didn't do much. I went on a little trip to a mountain which you can read about HERE! Look, it's like a bonus blog entry. And I also added a new page to my gallery, documenting my self-portraits throughout the years. It's both a glimpse into my growth as an artist and as a person. And you can see it HERE! Anyway, I officially dropped out of college (for realsies this time), I started going on walks for a minimum of 3 times a week, I applied for a bunch of jobs and none of them called me back, I learned to make falafel and homemade ice cream, but I ultimately just sat around listening to music.

So ok, what have I been listening to? Well, I... Kind of had a relapse. Into my middle school music tastes, that is.

Back then I was 13-14 and an angry little gremlin who hated everything pop and everything with a keyboard and only listened to alternative rock and some metal. My favorite bands were probably Primus, Pearl Jam and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I was so fucking obsessed with RHCP, I had encyclopedic knowledge of the band's history and discography and shit. They were easily one of my biggest hyperfixations ever, because even though it really only lasted about 2 and a half years, I was still in that age range where I still didn't feel horribly ashamed of my interests and would infodump to anyone who so much as breathed in my direction. I had a fan page on Instagram and everything lmao.

Nowadays I think they kinda suck. Lol. Mostly as people but also the music is not really as good as I remembered. I mean it's a band with a very solid backbone of talented musicians but my god some of the lyrics are horrible. I actually think Anthony Kiedis can be a decent lyricist but only when he's not horny. But he's horny most of the time so most of the lyrics suck. It's not that I think songs about sex in general can't be good, it's just that their songs about sex are corny and hamfisted and unsexy. ANYWAY! This blog entry is not about their (un)sexy songs. Whatever. Ok.

Despite all my hangups with the band and me just growing up and finding new music driving me away from them for years, this month I found myself revisiting a specific album of theirs: One Hot Minute. This album is notable for being... I guess kind of a flop? It was released in 1995 and is the only album they recorded with guitarist Dave Navarro (of Jane's Addiction and I guess now Ink Master fame) and it's darker and heavier than their usual sound. Not by a lot, it's not like they started playing death metal or anything, but you can definitely tell there's a different guy than usual on the guitar. A lot of people didn't like the album that came from that lineup, but I DID.

Listen, I like John Frusciante as much as the next guy, but the fact of the matter is that One Hot Minute is their best album. It's interesting, fun, and the lyrics are mostly kinda good! Especially on the album closer, Transcending. I think that's the best song of their entire discography. Take it from me who has listened to literally every song by them. Well, except for the stuff they released after I stopped being a fan.

So yeah if you're going to listen to any album by these guys, I recommend One Hot Minute. I still think it's awesome and the only album of theirs where I don't hate a single song. There's some that I think are kinda boring or that have lines that didn't age well, but none that I fully skip. The best songs in my opinion are Transcending, Shallow Be Thy Game, One Hot Minute, Tearjerker, Warped, Pea (obviously their magnum opus), and all three bonus tracks from the deluxe edition (Let's Make Evil, Stretch You Out and Bob).

(Before you come for me I know they've done a lot of awful shit, why do you think I stopped being a fan? But they were such a big reason why I didn't kill myself at 14 that I will inevitably look back at their music with a little bit of fondness. When I reference me liking them in the past in this page and any other pages of this site it's not because I still like them, it's just me telling you about a weird period of my life.)

OK I have finally managed to pull my brain out of that hell. What else have I been revisiting? Metallica. I also used to really like them when I was 14. Remember how like two entries ago I was saying I had St. Anger stuck in my head? Well it just kept going, man. At the beginning of the month my mom was watching some Netflix show, and at some point it started playing For Whom The Bell Tolls and I immediately jumped out of my seat, because that's what I always do when I hear a song I recognize in real life. Anyway I sent my mom the full song and she said she loved it and asked me to send her more Metallica songs. So I sent her their popular ones and a couple other personal favorites of mine. I think I ended up turning her into a bit of a Metallica fan.

And I ended up downloading a bunch of their songs on my phone again. (Remember guys, it's always morally correct to pirate Metallica ^_^) I still think their music does go hard, I always thought Load and Reload were kinda meh but I think the way they looked with the heavy eyeliner and shit during that era makes up for it. And their new album is pretty good I'd say.

(If you're wondering, my favorite Metallica songs are Motorbreath, Trapped Under Ice and The Thing That Should Not Be ^_^)

Ok rapidfire round of other music I revisited so this blog entry isn't a gazillion words long: Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Living Colour, Mother Love Bone, Mr. Bungle, Extreme, Jane's Addiction, Faith No More and Soundgarden. I mentioned Primus at the beginning, and the truth is I never stopped listening to them. They've always been in my rotation.

But anyway, I'm normal again now and back to listening to my full rotation of songs instead of going on this spiraling nostalgia trip. I have added all of these bands back to my music library though, even though I honestly still find it kind of embarrassing. It's just that it reminds me of being 14 and the horrors it entailed. But it's ok, I've grown up and I can manage listening to some rock band without getting reminded of how much everyone at school hated me or whatever.

Sorry for this word vomit. I basically spent the month of January with a One Hot Minute-shaped brain worm and I had to yell about it to get rid of it. Here's hoping I actually start touching grass in February, LMAO. Ok, I did start touching grass this year. The walks I mentioned in the first paragraph of this, remember? But anyway I hope to find a second job on February so that I actually have an excuse to leave the house and talk to real people. Ok, bye (╯▽╰ )

Maybe new years resolutions are corny and useless to some but I like having them. If I can define what I want to do super early on in the year it helps me keep my mind on track. I'm writing this here because I still haven't finished my lists page (basically just a page with a bunch of random lists because I like making lists), plus I will go into detail for every goal I have here on the blog.

The biggest one, as I said a couple days ago, is to travel by the end of the year. I'm aiming for October. I already know where I'm going and it's honestly very ambitious and scary but I think I can pull it off. I already have a chunk of money saved up. Honestly, I think this would be a very good and eye-opening experience for me. Plus I've just always wanted to travel.

The second one is learning how to swim. Because I'm almost 21 and I don't know how to do that yet. And that's probably gonna be a problem later on because I love the beach even if I don't get to go often. I almost drowned on the deep end of a pool when I was around 5 or 6 so I think that's why I've been so afraid of even thinking of the possibility of learning how to swim. But I think I can do it now. I just have to find someplace that offers swimming classes.

I also want to read more. I loved reading as a kid but I stopped doing it regularly around age 13 for various reasons. The three main ones were that we moved and we had to leave our giant bookcase behind because it wouldn't fit anywhere in the new house, then there was the fact that every literature teacher I had from seventh grade to the last year of high school sucked, and the fact that puberty hit me really hard but in the horrible depression kinda way and I didn't want to do anything. But again I think I can do this now. Since there's family members living in our old house I can ask if I can take some books from the bookcase, because I know for a fact that they aren't reading those.

I want to cook more new recipes and this also goes hand in hand with wanting to let go of the fear of spending money. I have a steady income now and it lets me buy things that I want or need but I'm still terrified of spending money. Especially for things I want but don't need. So I think I should start working on that. I don't mean just mindlessly spending all my money on whatever (Remember, I'm saving up for my big trip after all...) But just allow myself to buy a treat every once in a while, especially if it means buying a new ingredient for a new recipe I could make at home.

I also want to listen to more music! Because I love music. Not much to say about that I think it's self explanatory. I'd like to get some CDs. but I think that will happen when I travel because there's not many record stores in my city...

I think those are all the big ones. We'll see how many of these actually end up happening. If I manage to somehow accomplish all of these that will show me that I have grown as a person and that I'm probably finally out of my angsty teen years (If you've read my now deleted journal entries from 2019, no you didn't).

Hey everyone... I felt like writing about nothing today. First of all I want to thank everyone who's visited my site this year and I hope you found it nice! I started this site in 2019 just for fun and well, I'm still having a lot of fun keeping it up and running and adding new things every time :D

There's been many things I've wanted to talk about, but now that I'm sitting down to write... Well I don't remember them anymore! Anyway! This year was mostly a very positive year for me... I got my passport, which was something that felt so unobtainable for so long. I turned 20, which I didn't think I would get to do when I was a teen. I learned a new skill. I made many pieces of clothing. I revamped this website. I made new friends and lost others. I dyed my hair, got tired of it, buzzed it off and let it grow out. I made many things and still managed to spend most of the year sitting at home. I'm excited and scared for the future but I suppose I'll have to take it one day at a time.

My goals for next year are to travel to some other country. I think that would be very fun. So I definitely will be planning for that to become a reality. I have to make money but I think I can do it if I work my ass off for most of the year. It will be worth it I hope... I also want to learn to cook more things, finish more pages for the site, make more clothes and put together new outfits, but to be honest I also just want to take it easy and take lots of naps. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ I just like sleeping.

Ok here's the part where I talk about what songs my brain has latched onto these past few days. They don't usually correlate with the songs of the week I post on the front page, I just pick those at random from my playlists. Anyway. It seems like I'm closing my year with.... St. Anger by Metallica. Which I know sucks but I still like it lol. I don't actually think the snare drum kills the album. What kills the album are the vocals! Also idk sometimes I like music that is horribly mixed. (My favorite Of Montreal album is The Gay Parade for god's sake). But aside from that here's other songs that don't suck that have been on my rotation these past couple days: Dragonfly by Mort Garson, TV is King by The Tubes and Your Woman by White Town. Oh! I also look forward to seeing which new artists or genres I will start liking this upcoming year. (2023 was the year where I admitted to myself that I really like Eurodance...)

Anyway I don't have much else to say, just that I hope everyone has a good 2024 ^⁠_ ⁠^And thanks again for visiting my site! Hope to see you again next year!

Long time no see, maybe? Well it hasn't been all that long. But a lot of stuff has happened since my last blog update. I started the gym on July 3rd but everyone treated me like I was a child and it felt so humiliating that I stopped going after a month. I'm too socially awkward to keep going and I think I'll just start going on walks or riding my bike alone for exercise (when I fix my bike that is...)

One good thing that came out of that month at the gym that doesn't have anything to do with my physical state is that someone told me about a sewing class in town that I could attend. So I signed up and I've been enjoying it very much! It seems like the universe has decided that I will always be the youngest person in any non-school setting because everyone in my group is a 60+ year old lady except me. It's ok, they don't treat me like I'm 5 years old like the people at the gym. And they're fun and nice most of the time. We've made a skirt, a shirt and we will make some pants to finish off the class. It's great because I've found out that I really like sewing even if I'm incredibly messy and can't sew on a straight line for the life of me. I think I will keep making my own clothing even when the class ends in October.

As for college, I failed philosophy class twice so now it's the only class I can take until I pass it. I have basically been set back a whole semester. I was thinking of not dropping out because I was gonna have painting classes... But now that I've been set back I think I will drop out. Who am I kidding, I always say I will and I never do. I just don't have anything else going on y'know? It just makes me sad. I was such a good student as a kid, if 8 year old me saw how I'm doing now that I'm 20 I think she'd kill me. But I guess what's done is done and I should stop comparing myself to when I was a literal child. I guess it's me who killed her. Anyway.

In other miscellaneous happenings: I finally found a pair of go-go boots!! I have been looking for them since AT LEAST 2018 if not even earlier. They're lovely! They're short much like the very first gogo boots, but they have a higher heel. I'm totally in love with them. This month I've been listening to a lot of Kraftwerk because... I'm not sure! I've loved them since I was 16 and I've recently had a newfound appreciation for listening to the German versions of the songs, many of which are better than the English versions. I basically just cycle through the same 10 or so bands I like and fixate on one of them for like a month, and then I'll fixate on another one of those 10 or so bands and the cycle continues.

But that's all for now! I really hope I'll be able to talk about something actually interesting next time I write a blog post...... `(*>﹏<*)′

Hello again, it's been a while :o( sorry about that. I'm just, well, so very tired. I'm about to finish my third semester of college but I think this will be my last. At least I want it to be. I no longer have any motivation to keep studying. Which kiiinda sucks, because I just started making friends. But those friendships aren't really worth me being miserable and unable to perform the most basic of tasks, so I plan on not coming back for a fourth semester. I've got a bunch of issues and I'm unmedicated for all of them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I plan on getting better when I'm out of college. I will start going to the gym and I will hopefully find a way to mitigate my chronic fatigue. I'm also planning on moving to another country, so I have to save up a lot of money! So I will also get a second job and open drawing commissions again... I'm very tired and sad but at the same time, almost paradoxically, looking forward to the near future. I will try to work hard even if that's near impossible for me.

In other less serious news, I'm gearing up for artfight! I feel like it's gonna be fun and I hope people draw my OCs :o) Here's my profile if you want to check it out.

Anyway, as for this site, I'm working on a Star Trek TOS shrine, and also a Sims 2 Gameplay/Story page where I basically write Sims fanfiction. Just like when The Sims 2 Exchange was a thing, but here in my site. I also want to flesh out my OCs section, and maybe add some "episode scripts" I've had sitting around as drafts for a while. I have no plans to turn my OC world into a real thing, but I took a screenwriting class once and found it a great deal of fun, so I've written a couple fake episode scripts.

Anyway that's all! I think I will go to sleep now..... ~(>_<。)＼

Hello! I don't know, I just felt like talking here. It's fun. So, anyway. What have I been up to? Since I haven't done many big site updates in a while. Well, first, it's because I started my third semester of college a month ago. It's been good so far, but I don't really know if I will like it more than my second semester. We'll see, I've only had three weeks of class as of me writing this.

Something super cool happened to me the other day. Ok so first, I got a haircut. As you can see in my "about" section and my lookbook, my hair kinda reached a little bit above my chin. But now I have it super short, it's like two steps shy of being a buzz cut. (I wanted a buzz cut, but the salon I went to was owned by these weird catholic women who REALLY didn't want me to cut my hair this short. Regardless, the end result was p good.) Anyway! I went to class the next day and everyone complimented my haircut. It felt really nice of course, but when I got home I got this text from this guy in my class who I'm kind of friends with. He said "Hey, I saw your new look today and..." And he sent me a picture of him with my exact same haircut. He said he also wanted to buzz off his hair for a while, but he was kind of hesitant to do it and seeing me rock my new hairstyle gave him the final push to do it. It felt so cool. It's just. As someone with severe trauma from being bullied in school, it's so nice to have a college class where nobody hates me and where I am considered cool. Feels good man. I am happy because everyone loves me.

As for other things in my life, I've reignited an old hyperfixation of mine: Star Trek. I got into it when I was 15, watched a lot of it for a year, and then got hyperfixated on other things. But as of the past week I've been rewatching some episodes of The Original Series with my mom, and later I got convinced by a friend to watch Lower Decks, which is one of the new shows that's been coming out. I absolutely love it btw, when it came out I avoided it because of the art style that looks like Rick and Morty, but man, it's good! It's funny! I like it! My love for Star Trek is back. I'm also re-reading the novelization of the first Star Trek movie, because damn it, even if it's considered bad by a lot of people, I really love that movie. I love movies where nothing happens.

Today I went to get my passport picture taken. I'm very excited to have it since I saved up for months to get it. I'm not planning any trips right now, but it's useful to have. I had a blast because it was rainy the whole time. I walked about 4 kilometers around the city, which made me very happy because I love going on walks in the city instead of my shitty neighborhood. My mom and her friend picked me up at a bus stop and we went to run miscellaneous errands together. I love the mundane things about adulthood. When we got home, my mom and I had steak and mashed potatoes, we watched geography videos on YouTube and we drank tamarind juice from the fancy glasses we only use at celebrations. We weren't celebrating anything, but it just felt right today. Again, I love finding joy in the mundane, in the walks around the city, in making lunch, in boring bureaucracy. I had a very good day.

As for miscellaneous things, we're buying a desk chair soon which I'm happy about because the dining chair we're using for being on the computer hurts my back to such an unbearable degree it makes me cry. But on a more positive note, I started sewing a pair of pants, they're coming out real nice. My sewing machine is a hand-me-down from my grandma and it's pretty busted up. The bobbin keeps coming out of its place and stuff. But it's ok, I can manage. I hope to make a sewing projects page on this site once I finish the pants, so I can document all the things I make and plan to make. I also would like to start on my Sims 2 shrine, and maybe make a Star Trek shrine. We'll see when I get more free time. I spend most of my free time listening to music. I've listening to a lot of XTC and Wall Of Voodoo recently. Specifically XTC's White Music album, and WOV stuff from before their first lead singer quit. I'm by no means an expert or superfan of these two bands, I just have a handful of songs I've heard and really really enjoy. I might make a music page for this site too. We'll see. Well, I think that's all for now! :3

Remember when Facebook games ruled the platform in the late 2000s/early 2010s? I was addicted to them back then. I got my hands on pretty much all of them. The other day I remembered this thing that happened to me and it's not really that funny but I want to keep it somewhere in case I forget because it's still mildly amusing to me. And also maybe highlights the way everyone was addicted to those things back in the day.

So there was this Farmville knockoff called Farm Town. To its credit though, it had a bunch of features that Farmville didn't have. And one of these features was PvP. Well kind of. When you visited other people's farms you could sabotage them by stealing their crops, spraying them, or putting bugs on them. So one time I was playing Farm Town on my mom's Facebook account and I saw the farm of one of our real life neighbors. She was my mom's friend's 16-year-old daughter and one time I had heard my mom say she came across as kinda mean spirited sometimes, and me, being 8 and autistic, took that as meaning she had personally done something to my mom, instead of y'know. Just saying 16 year olds are bitchy sometimes.

But anyway, in an act of imaginary vengeance, I went to her farm and sent over bugs to her crops. It was the only way I could get back at someone twice my age, after all. So it was all fine and dandy until the day after she showed up at our door to ask why my mom sent her bugs. My mom obviously didn't know that happened and had to explain it was me who was playing on her account. She then asked me why I did that, and I panicked and said I misclicked. She was actually polite and not mean at all but I was so scared. I thought I was gonna get sent to jail.

And yeah, it's weird to go up to someone's front door to ask why they sent imaginary bugs to their imaginary crops in a Facebook game, but to be fair, from her perspective it did look like her neighbor, a woman in her mid 30s with a job and a child, was beefing with her, a teenage girl, in an online game for no reason. Kinda weird.

Absolutely mortifying experience. But also kinda funny.

A year or so ago, one of my friends texted me "hey, you're gay, right? This girl we went to high school with thinks you're cute and wants your number." and while I felt weird I told my friend to give her my number, even knowing I’m painfully shy and can't carry out a conversation in any capacity. This was my chance to get a girlfriend. I had wanted that at some point, right? And it's not like she was a stranger, not at all. So anyway, I felt a horrible sense of dread, we exchanged like, 4 texts, and then she realized she was talking to the worst speaker on Planet Earth and said "lol you aren't carrying the conversation" and I felt bad so that died there. That's the moment where I realized I don't want a girlfriend, actually.

I realized I was a lesbian when I was 16 years old. And yeah, I am still attracted to women- But at the same time, I don't see why I should have a romantic partner to "confirm" my orientation. I don't like society's obsession with romance. I mean- I think romance is neat in theory! I love the whole pink and red hearts and lovey-dovey Valentine's day look, I do like love songs and romance in media and my silly fictional ships, but in my head romance is so separated from my worldview that it's almost like a fictional thing to me. (Yes, my parents split up, how did you know?) I don't mean it in a brooding angsty way, I mean it in a completely neutral way.

I do have my reasons. First off I'm too much of a loner. I'll interact with my peers and joke around like buds, but I don't particularly like people. I'm quite selfish, and being accompanied by someone for too long makes me uncomfortable. (Yes, I'm an only child, how did you know?) Having a partner means they want to be with you often and the idea frankly kinda makes me cringe. No offense. I just don't want people to depend or rely on me. My social skills are practically nonexistent. I don't particularly enjoy physical contact. I'm too cynical and I don't strongly feel many emotions. I have very low empathy. I tend to get very annoyed at strong displays of emotion from others. I'm not a dick about it outwardly, but I can't help but feel annoyed in my head.

I don't actually think as lowly of myself as this might seem to indicate, these are just traits I have and I don't think acknowledging them is inherently negative. I've been calling myself aromantic for convenience's sake but at the same time I don't really care. I've been wanting to stop labeling myself altogether because I just don't think it works for me. I don't know if I'll change in the future. But as I stand right now I don't see myself getting into a romantic relationship anytime soon. I've had crushes in the past, sure, but even then I found the feeling of unrequited love was more pleasant to me than the idea of them actually reciprocating. And it makes me kinda sad that people tie their worth to their desirability as a romantic partner. I think you should live for yourself. At the end of the day you'll die alone and be buried alone.

Of course there are people who've been buried together somehow. That's real sweet. Good for them.

As a kid I loved spending time on the computer. My favorite things to do, aside from being on the internet, were making scrapbooks in Microsoft OneNote, making silly fanmade episodes of my favorite shows in Movie Maker, (I need to find those someday, they were great) and most importantly, making PowerPoint presentations about the newest stories or thoughts I had in my head.

Most of them are lost to time, due to many, many hard drive wipeouts and that old laptop I made them in barely functioning these days. However, I did e-mail some of them to my family and friends, and thankfully I was able to recover some of those. I still mourn the loss of all those presentations and documents that perished in the several hard drive wipeouts, not gonna lie.

So in order to preserve some of them, I'll share some highlights here.